I'm in a bad mood. not gonna lie. I've had 3 monologues to memorize this week and a scene. Awesome, it really would be if they were monologues i actually gave a shit about. But i'm stuck doing hamlet (which i still don't see the reason for. at all) and some impossible to memorize poem which i have been working on all night. And i STILL cannot get it. idk what the fuck is wrong with me but it's just going in one ear and out the next, i tried a lot too. My acting for camera monologue kicks ass, i get to yell and swear, for example: maybe your fuckin CUNT of a wife sucked too many diseased cocks and turned you into a fuckin retard!" ha love it. BUT kayla has the same monologue as me. shit. but mine is twice as long, but now it means i gotta go first, beat her to it otherwise it won't take people aback nearly as much the second time, it'll be old news and they won't have the same reaction. Neither will the teacher. who i've been working my ass off to impress because she hooks people up alot with roles. no pressure. not.
Anywho, lets see what else sucks.
Adam is gone. Yep, my best friend at AMDA and he's gone. Just when we were starting to hang out 24/7, literally, and all that. But he had to leave because of money issues. Fuck money. Let's all grow money trees and live happily ever after. But then he ended up getting the part of Jimny in the rainmaker for a profes theatre tour company up by san francisco. BAllin. So he would have left anyways. Hopefully he'll be back next semester though. But ugh, class just feels empty now. Everyone in my class has that person or people theyre closest to. Adam was mine. He started off annoying with all his neverending constant sex jokes but the better we became friends, the more the friend in him started coming out. Let's see who else is gone; charlie. I keep catch myself looking up on the hill hoping to see him. And eric, annoying as he was, we still had a ton of laughs and it was cool to just be able to go chill in someone elses room for a change. Brittany also, another girl in my class i was close to. 2nd semester is not so hot so far.
OH! but dad did get me a 2 month membership to 24 hour. YAYYY! so i've been going to the hip hop and yoga classes and working out alot. ANd i've given up all sweets and fats. But guess what? Just gained 5 pounds in 2 days. What the fuck am i, pregnant? ha actually thats not even funny since its a possibility and it's crossed my mind. Thank You drunken nights of being an idiot. Oh speaking of myself being an idiot, another mistake i made? Kyle. We hooked up again last weekend at marissas birthday party. The party was super fun, spin the bottle, i pretty much kissed everyone there, lots of undressing thanks to the kings cup game, I found out i have increased my alcohol tolerance ALOT, because i drank a shit load. Oh and edibles. that didnt really work.
turns out i turn into a whore when i get drunk, and kyle was around. Next thing i know we were on a beanbag making out and in eachothers pants. TMI, i know. Not that anyone is reading this, I really hope not because i'm just rambling and not really putting any thought behind anything i'm saying..in a way. But anywho, I dont want to give kyle the idea, or myself for that matter, that i still like him. Because then he would feel guilty and piteous or whatever and I just don't want to be seen as the girl chasing some guy she can't get. I'm not one of those girls. You dont like me? Fuck you, i'm not going to waste my time. I havent realized it but now that i think about it, i've pretty much gotten any guy i was interested in. I've just gotten lucky or maybe been attracted to the people i can get. idk. minus emanuel, but that was sophmore year and i was crazy in love out of mind not thinking correctly ha. now he's married. cool. I just saw him at dq over the summer, it was like a fuckin movie. you see your high school sweetheart or dream crush, you're reconnected in some odd way like ordering ice cream and then he's all like "I'm getting married next month". Yep, just like a movie. ha its kind of funny. But anywho I just want to be friends with kyle, i kind of resent him in a way but i dont want what happened to get in the way of him thinking i just want to be friends. ugh. What am i doing with myself? I'm taking a break from guys. I'm not planning on getting married, not planning on any fetus ever being inside me, so is it really necesary? sex gets old when it loses it's meaning. So I think I'll stick to my career, as planned.
UGH UGH UGH. it's 2 in the morning, i have a scene that could be better and an unmemorized monologue to perform tomorrow. I feel like someone should grab me and slam my head into a wall. On that note, goodnight.
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